How quitting my job is helping me break negative cycles.
I put in my notice to leave teaching right after spring break, and have been a mess ever since. Actually, my mental mess went from a ‘little untidy’ to something that could resemble a hoarder’s episode, with piles of trash and old food, and rare items I might want to collect.
The process of leaving teaching has been an emotional roller coaster wreck. There is a reason a two week notice should be only two weeks. Going through months of explanations of why I was leaving was like tearing off a very large band-aid very very very slowly. Perhaps you could understand this if you have ever had a break up with someone, but then continued to live with them for months until one of you could find a new place. Yeah, more like that.
Needless to say, I have had more than enough time to reflect on the decision, justify it to myself and others, and rationalize the many reasons for it. One of the biggest discoveries I have made, is that life is lived in cycles. (Yes, I know that is a huge epiphany I just had, but there are so many levels to learning, and I am having a hard time getting past level one.) Some cycles are necessary to sustain life, and some are like a super annoying song you can never get out of your head.
The following is an illustration of the emotional cycle I am currently in, but also hoping to break.
When excitement becomes anxiety
The feelings of panic and anxiety were quieter when I first started my student teaching 5 years ago. I knew it was normal to feel uneasy when starting out as a new teacher. If you search the internet for new teacher memes, there are plenty of references to drowning, drinking, and trying to build things while flying and being on fire. Generally, its a hilarious, hopeless, and still somehow exciting challenge to take on a classroom full of unpredictable, emotional, and eager to please humans.
But, when the feelings of panic and anxiety grow with every parent teacher conference, state testing window, and every single Sunday evening, things are out of alignment. When you are out of alignment, no amount of meditation or medication will magically move you into believing this is the right path for your life. The decision to leave was not actually the difficult part. I knew before I began that it wasn’t the right fit for me. The difficult part has and will always be the disappointment I would face from myself, my family, and my colleagues.
When anxiety becomes disappointment
Disappointment is defined as “sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations,” according to Google. Interestingly, success is listed as the antonym for disappointment. (I’m disappointed in that.) Quitting my job can be summed up so far as a general feeling of disappointment. Did I say disappointment? Yes, I am so disappointed that my hopes and expectations were not fulfilled.
To be clear, this is no fault of the people I worked with, or the students and families I served. Each year, I loved my students (even the harder ones), loved the content, and brought everything I had to each day. My walls were decorated with Bigfoot references, paper airplanes, and heartfelt notes of appreciation from students and parents. The priorities in my classroom were to be kind and have fun.
My family and colleagues have all been wonderful and supportive of me over the years as well. When I say I disappointed them, I mean they have felt the discomfort of my inability to cope and make changes quickly.
Still, the disappointment is there. It’s there because I realized my hopes and expectations for teaching were unrealistic. I made up some things in my mind that education could be what I wanted it to be. That I could rise to the top, change lives, change the world. It was naive of me to think I could do all this, while raising a family, contributing to my marriage, running a business, and still feeling a sense of creative freedom and purpose each day. I know there are people out there who are crushing it in these areas. My job is not to be them, it is to be me.
When disappointment becomes compassion
The best piece of advice I have heard since leaving the classroom has been to be compassionate with myself. To give myself space and time to think and relax. To be open to whatever is next. Disappointment can be a natural part of any loss, or break up, or transition. It can also make you believe you should say no to more things. To protect yourself from further disappointment, and to be more cautious about your decisions and investments. What I have found, is that this can be a slippery slope toward depression and hopelessness.
I am so grateful to have been part of a profession of service. I will apply the lessons I learned about myself, effective teaching, and how people learn for the rest of my life. Schools are strange and unique little worlds where you can believe in impossible things, practice being empathetic humans, and discover opportunities. I don’t know how I can replace the priceless moments when a student shares something he is thinking that embodies all the hope of the future.
When compassion becomes excitement
So, now, here I am. Sitting in the library, trying to write my feelings about this huge thing I have just done but not realized. I still have student loans to pay, I am 41 years old, but I don’t really feel like it’s starting over. I am trying to combat the disappointment part by re framing teaching as an important step I need to achieve whatever is next. I don’t know exactly where this path is leading. What I do know is that it will not be in circles. I will not play the same songs over and over again in my mind, and allow my bad habits to control my life.
Excitement is the opposite of depression and a synonym for happiness, or something like that, so says lots of self help books. What am I excited about? I don’t know yet, but mostly it is that I can choose. I am in a wonderful position to choose what is next. I will say no to a lot of things because I am now more cautious and wise as a result of this life change. However, I hope I will say yes to all the things I never wanted to say no to before it.
What are you excited about? Have you made any big changes in your life? Let me know in the comments below, and thanks for reading
