Hold on, I wrote that title to get you to read this. (Hee hee, marketing trick.) Yes, I do want them to be happy, but what I really want for them is to be emotionally, physically, and financially successful.
When my kids were little, I picked up a book called The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Browne Boyack.
At the time, It never occurred to me that my 4 and 7 year old would one day become grown ups. Of course, I knew they would get older, I just never truly thought about how these cute little pieces of me would one day live in their own homes, with their own families, and their own responsibilities. I just wanted to see their smiles, hear that laughter, and protect them from anything that could hurt their feelings or bodies.
Happiness
Boyack shares a highly relatable story about how she caught her son watching TV one day, when he was supposed to be doing other tasks. She writes “he looked up at me with those big, puppy-dog eyes and said ‘Don’t you want me to be happy?'” You can imagine how surprised he must have been when she responded with a prompt “NO!” She followed that with the best bit of parenting advice I have ever heard, “I want you to be righteous, productive, skilled, smart, helpful, wise, intelligent, and hard working. If you feel happy occasionally, that’s cool.”
I am totally guilty of putting the happiness of my kids before the expectations of having them do their chores. I have put away their laundry, cleaned their bathroom, or done the dishes nightly so they wouldn’t have to. They are so busy! But, so am I. I constantly fall into the trap of believing I am helping them, or caring for them, when the message I could be sending is: “I trust you to take care of yourself and clean up after yourself.” I have always known and believed that no matter how hard I try, I cannot make anyone else happy. They must choose it for themselves.
Minimum Viable Product (MVP)
As someone who loves clear, actionable steps to solve a problem, I also loved the practical advice in Boyack’s book. She broke down responsibilities I could give my kids, and trust they could do, by age. A sign of success for a four year old includes the ability to build themselves a sandwich. Knowing the ingredients, where to get them, how to put them together, and enjoying the final product, sounds like the basis for any self-help book or program I have ever read. Never-mind that the sandwich was built on the dirty kitchen floor, or that a glob of peanut butter is now mixed into the jelly. Don’t even get me started on the fact that a four year old is trusted with a knife! It’s not about perfection, its about completion. In the marketing world they call this the minimum viable product. Does it fill a need or serve the purpose? If yes, put it out and perfect it later.
I’d love to tell you that my now 17 and 14 year old are the most capable pre-adults due to the lessons I learned, and put in place, from that book. I wish could tell you that they can balance a checkbook, understand credit, make their own dentist appointments, and have started college and career planning. What is cool is they can build a sandwich. My son actually has a lot of talent in culinary arts and has crafted some very beautiful meals for us. When I think of all the skills they will need the first year, even the first month, they are away from us, I start to panic. Have we done enough? My kids are definitely more than a MVP. (It can’t be a coincidence that this also stands for Most Valuable Player). They have a lot of tools already, and I think they could probably survive. If you think about it, we are putting out our best everyday and perfecting it later. We are probably all MVPs.
Self Reliance
Honestly, I don’t know how I made it through those early years after leaving home. I wasn’t even eighteen when I wrote my mom a note saying I was moving out. I had no money, no place to live, and no job. (I just read that sentence.) Wait, should I rewrite that? What the heck? What I did have was some friends with awesome ideas about all the fun we were going to have and a strong need for independence. I just knew it would all work out, and that it was all up to me. It has taken me a good 15 years to get an idea of what that really means.
Raising kids is so hard. It takes so much courage to parent without fear of what might happen, and stick to the plan. This world is complex and confusing, and I would never want to trade the ease of my sheltered childhood for the one our kids are growing up in. Gosh, I’m scared for them every day. I am also so excited for them. Independence is not something that lands in our lap when we turn eighteen. We have to earn it. To be self reliant is to be safe, confident, and ready. Ready for all the beautiful, terrible, and heart-wrenching stuff that I hope happens for them. Life doesn’t just happen to us, it happens for us.
What ways do you raise self reliant and happy kids? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
